When life throws challenges our way, we often panic, lacking the ability to look into the future and see how whatever is troubling us, in the moment, is ultimately for the best. In a discussion about whether ends always justify the means, a great Rabbi I admire used the example of Joseph’s brothers selling him into slavery. The question was whether the eventual redemption from Egypt justified the brothers’ sale. The conclusion was that the sale was unjustified. Though it was Hashem’s will for the Jewish people to be redeemed, and Joseph’s sale kickstarted this process, it was merely the vehicle through which it happened. Had the brothers not sold Joseph, the redemption would have occurred via some other vehicle. Staying on the topic of Joseph and his brothers, it was Charlie Harary who asked the audience at an event I attended if they thought it was possible for Joseph to recognize during the many years of his suffering that his sale would ultimately lead to said redemption. Furthermore, he expounded on his point by sharing a fascinating, supposedly true story, about a Polish man who left his family to try and make some money in the United States to send back home. It was a tough decision, and his rabbi told him to be especially diligent in the principle of seeing the good in everything. After struggling initially to find work, he stumbled upon a furniture store where he proceeded to partner with the business owner to craft furniture. The Polish man didn’t speak much English, and around the time he was going to go back home to his family in Poland, he realized that his so-called “partner” had scammed him, taken all his money, and fled town. Devastated, the man could not go back and face his family with nothing. He decided to craft and sell his own furniture, which required him to obtain U.S. citizenship or a work visa (I’m not quite sure which). Another year went by, and with pockets full of money, the man returned to his family in Poland. Overjoyed by the prosperity, the family saw past the extension of their father’s journey. Shortly after coming back home, the Nazis rolled into Poland, and because of the citizenship or visa, the man was able to immigrate to the United States with his whole family, free of charge. And this is what I want to focus on today. Both Joseph and the Polish man had zero clue of the benefits that would come as a result of their sufferings. These stories resonate with me, particularly as I reflect on my life over the past ten years or so. My own journey mirrors their lessons.
I was an entirely different person a decade ago. I had many differences with my father and spent most of my time at my mother’s house with her husband and my two maternal half-siblings. Though I had developed some destructive habits as a result of exploiting my mother’s kindness, all in all, I had a pretty good life (relative to my perception at the time). When I found out that my mother and stepfather bought a place in Florida and were set to move in the next six months, I was absolutely devastated. I wanted to go, but I was devoted to my band, and it was a non-negotiable for me.
Still, though I was confident in my decision, I surely wished it didn’t have to be made at all, and I was rather depressed at first. I missed my family for sure, and the pain from the years lost grows with each passing day. However, them moving to Florida meant two things in addition to being separated from the only side of my family that, at the time, I felt accepted (or maybe the right word is “comfortable”) by, regardless of its unhealthy nature: 1) I would be moving in with my father, stepmother, and paternal half-siblings (all of whom I love dearly, though at the time it was a hostile environment, as I disregarded the potency of marijuana, either storing it improperly or even smoking in the house on rare occasions), and 2) I would be separated from my cats, Chloe and Buddy, who were two of my best friends at the time, especially Chloe. I paid the most attention to the cats, and I knew that our separation would mean that they would not receive the love and attention that they had grown accustomed to. And I would soon learn, unfortunately, that I was right. A couple months in, they got a third cat, Primus, and for about a year it seemed like everything was going smoothly. It wasn’t until they got a dog that I started to see that they weren’t getting the attention they deserved. After being raised with full access to the house, the cats had become banished to the outdoor deck, food bowls and litter-box no more than five feet apart from each other. Sure, they always had food, water, and an occasionally clean litter box; however, cats are emotional creatures that can get depressed, and every time I would visit, I saw a look of both depression and hope in their eyes.
All while this was going down, back on Long Island I was hustling in the food industry, funding my bands, and living at my father’s house, where my marijuana use was becoming excessive. Leaving bowls and baggies in conspicuous places where my siblings could find them, along with chronic potent odors, ultimately led to me being kicked out of my father’s house and moving in with my grandparents. I lived with my grandparents for two years, and during this time I experienced a number of life-changing events, from surviving a five-car collision to gaining enough self-awareness that I could physiologically prevent what felt like life-threatening brain spasms. Though I wasn’t religious at that point, I knew that moving forward I wanted to work towards becoming what is traditionally understood as a “modern-orthodox Jew.”
I moved out of my grandparents’ house and tried to make it on my own. Upon making a number of bad choices along the way, I decided to enroll in an audio engineering school in Manhattan that I would attend by day while dorming and studying Torah at a yeshiva in New Jersey by night. Everything was set up and good to go, until the week I was supposed to call the rabbi for confirmation, and I was ghosted. For five days, I tried reaching the rabbi to no avail. When he finally answered, he said he didn’t think he was the right teacher for me and that I was rejected from the yeshiva. I was miserable. I spent a week in my father’s basement in the darkness, coming out maybe once a day for a quick bite of food before returning to my dark lair. It happened to be that one of my closest friends was getting married, and so I “suited up” and left the dungeon.
On the drive to my friend’s wedding, I, in a spur of the moment, contacted the audio engineering school to inquire about the possibility of transferring to their Florida school, so that I might get a fresh start. And so it was that I enrolled in SAE Institute Miami for the 2019 fall session. I moved in with my mom, who at the time was just living with my sister, as my former stepfather was basically no longer in the picture. For a while, things were nice. We had our arguments from time to time, but compared to what it could have been, things were relatively peaceful for about six months until the COVID pandemic changed the world. Like everyone else, I was scared and didn’t know what the future held. All I knew is that I had family in New York, and the thought of not being able to see them for an extended duration was terrifying. I remember Passover of 2020. We were in Florida, and our air conditioning broke and would not be fixed till the next day. Between the happenings of the Seder, the lack of air conditioning, and the uncertainty of everything going on in the world at the time, I was a biopsychosocial mess. I remember just bawling one of those nights, literally to the point of exhaustion, and fell asleep. That night, I had a vivid dream of my father and I sharing a long, warm hug. I woke up just knowing it had to mean something good.
After taking a semester off from school, I finally went back to finish. Tensions continued to rise in my mother’s house, and the inevitable reality that I couldn’t live in her house for much longer became apparent. I had developed a toxic relationship with my sister where I abdicated my role as her brother and instead tried to fill her fatherless void, subconscious as it may have been. After a particularly ugly altercation, I recognized that our relationship was unhealthy, and the best way for me to inculcate whatever values I wanted in her was to be the exemplar of those values without pushing anybody else to be. I wouldn’t realize it for another few years; however, I am delighted to see that my sister has blossomed into someone who is living out the values I had tried so hard to instill in her and more. I have no doubt that my mother’s healthy relationship with her husband has contributed greatly to this. However, a part of me likes to think that through all the turmoil, something, maybe even just a kernel of the words I said to her, stuck.
With no viable job opportunities at the time, my best option was to move back to New York for work in a completely unrelated field. Though things were going poorly at my mother’s house, I still loved Florida, wholeheartedly. So, for the second time in five years, I felt devastated once again that I would be leaving a place that I had come to love so much. The good news? I’d be reunited with my cats for good, as everyone recognized that their best chance at a longer, quality life would be with me. The bad news? I got to drive from south Florida to Queens over the course of three days in a 2003 Toyota Camry with three noisy cats. From incessant meowing for hours to Primus busting out of his cat carrier and subsequently shifting my stick to neutral while on the highway (even more chaos ensued!), I was close to having a breakdown, and I had the first true realization of the importance of companionship—someone to share a life with, through good times and bad.
It was late December of 2020, and I had moved into my great-great-uncle’s abandoned dental office with my three cats. I had a remote job (that required me still to live in New York State), and I became lonely to the point of minor insanity. I would go visit my dad’s house weekly, thank God, however, spending hours on end alone multiple days a week really got to me. I could no longer take the isolation, so I got a new job working as a behavior technician, before going to work for my father’s company, where I would spend the next three and a half years working.
I started dating for marriage once I got to a place where I felt comfortable enough to do so. My wife was the third person I dated seriously, and she embodied everything I didn’t know I was looking for. She dormed at a college in Manhattan, and after our first date, we agreed to see each other again. She told me she was going back home to Philadelphia for a month, and so I proceeded to go see her every Sunday until she went back to New York for school.
After three years of being married to the woman of my dreams, I can’t help but think about just how depressed I was at the mere prospect of leaving Florida. In the meantime, looking back, I see that it was meant to be, for it is highly unlikely that I would have ever met my wife had I not moved back to New York. Not only would I have likely never met my wife, but it was she who gave me the inspiration (along with my success at the audio engineering school) to pursue my much longer-spanning dream of a career in the mental health field. She gives me the confidence to pursue this career while also pursuing my dreams of professionally writing and speaking publicly.
The struggles I have mentioned, as well as those I have not listed (and yes, there are many), though perhaps not comparable in terms of magnitude, are certainly comparable in terms of concept and are reminiscent of the aforementioned stories of Joseph and the Polish man. It is a tremendously difficult thing to do; however, if we could all just take a step back before we make assumptions about the obstacles life throws in our direction, we would be more at peace with ourselves and the world around us. Of course, it is easier said than done. Very much so. Two things can be true at once: a) I believe everything happens for a reason, and b) I don’t know what those reasons are, so I must respond naturally and appropriately.
There is real tragedy and devastation in the world. There is nothing that can be done about that. However, the psychological and emotional toll (and even the physiological toll) can be significantly mitigated if we could simply remember Joseph and the Polish man. If only we could just for one instance put ourselves in the shoes of the man who, after all the suffering endured, got spared from the Holocaust, along with his entire immediate family as a result. If only I had known that my mother’s move to Florida, my time living with her, and my return to New York would lead me to a wonderful community, a happy marriage, a renewed and healthier relationship with my father and his side of the family, my beloved cats, and the pursuit of my true passions, I would have gone through those years breathing much more easily.
You will encounter challenges in your life. There will be great times in your life. There will be unavoidable suffering, and there will be pleasures beyond your wildest dreams. How you choose to respond to these stimuli will shape the way your life unfolds.
Don’t forget to check out my previous post discussing plans for the Purpose and Skills Center pilot event! https://jewishamericanaspiringtherapist.blog/2025/07/18/purpose-skills-center-a-place-to-find-meaning-and-learn-craft/
Email: LongIslandYid613631@gmail.com
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