LongIslandYid

After spending three trips around the sun being married to my wife, I’ve come to recognize love as more than simply a mere feeling; rather, love is a duality paved by mutual values, conscientious and pragmatic decision-making, and the willingness to recognize that life’s challenges are best faced in tandem, not in solitude. As a proud Orthodox Jewish American, it is these principles that both strengthen our marital bond and ought to strike a chord with those looking to derive meaning out of their own lives.

Our first date and our wedding were six months and a day apart. During this time, we prioritized and emphasized things like communication, negotiating our ideals for both the short and long-term future, and simply enjoying each other’s company. This cultivated a deep friendship which became the cornerstone for taking on life’s difficulties, such as financial problems and health concerns, including a terrifying 20+ tick scare on our recent anniversary getaway.

When I reflect on my personal journey over the past three years, I can confidently surmise that I’ve grown exponentially in areas like patience, work ethic, social awareness, financial literacy, and the direction of my aspirations. I have heard that it isn’t a bad thing for one to shift their aspirations so long as those aspirations are a step higher than the ones being deviated from. To think that for years, all I wanted was to become a heavy metal star, and instead I find myself even more excited and passionate about the prospect of making a modest career in the field of mental health is incredible, even to me.  And so it was that my wife, through her kind words of inspiration, helped me conclude that I should go back to school and chase the career I thought about way back before I even learned to play the guitar.

My aspirations weren’t always so clean. My pre-marital days were filled with lusting after expediencies. I took women for granted, alienated my family, and abused recreational drugs and alcohol. It wasn’t until I got into a five-car collision on the highway that I truly began thinking about what I was doing with my life. Couple that in with my first encounter with the true power of mind over matter, as I cured myself of an awful bout of what felt like life-threatening head spasms by wearing a bandana around my head to increase self-awareness. Still, it wasn’t until I moved back to New York from Florida with three screaming cats in the car which brought to my attention that even life’s seemingly inconsequential and mundane problems are significantly more challenging alone (and on the flip side, everything good is better with someone else). This experience changed my perspective from merely wanting to get married to seeing it as one of the great necessities in life. Viktor Frankl of blessed memory, in his timeless classic Man’s Search for Meaning, masterfully articulates how the mere hope of seeing a loved one again gave many Holocaust survivors the strength to carry out the daunting tasks of the concentration camps (Frankl, 2014/1946). During the aforementioned tick scare, which prematurely concluded our anniversary getaway, my wife’s calm support, checking me head to toe and staying composed despite having an immense phobia of bugs, turned a horrifying experience into a manageable one, reminiscent of Frankl’s insights on the power of the connection between mind and heart.

Having shared values is a good formula for spousal chemistry. On our first date, we had riveting, deep conversations regarding religion, politics, music, and raising a family. It was these early conversations that helped pave the way to some of our later, more consequential choices, like not to move to Cleveland. We fell in love with the community, but living a minimum of an eight-hour car ride from our nearest family became an absolute deal-breaker upon further contemplation of the matter. It’s no secret that families are distancing themselves from each other more and more these days, and this is a trend that we do not believe is conducive to human flourishing.

The journeys of both my parents and my wife’s parents have influenced us as well. My father remarried, raising four other kids; my mother remarried with two other kids, and my wife’s parents remarried each other after becoming observant in Judaism. This sheds light on the ever-expanding potential for a successful marriage when God gets to be included.

Know your non-negotiables, have a shared vision, values, and don’t waste time on dealbreakers. Yes, there are some things that people can grow to love and accept, which is why it’s important to ascertain those things that you simply cannot live with. Spend time thinking about it. And before your list of non-negotiables becomes too long, remember that if we can all agree that only God is perfect, then we must also recognize that nobody is perfect, including you and I. For the Orthodox Jewish community, these lessons align with Torah values but are universal, nevertheless. Marriage isn’t about perfection or constant rainbows and butterflies, but it is about choosing to take on life’s challenges together through thick and thin. We face obstacles as battles fought together, not barriers between us, held together by God, country, and family. For those dating, be direct about what matters; for those married, see your spouse as a partner to confront every monster in the closet. Three years in, and I am certainly not the man I was. Despite having many areas in need of serious improvement, marriage has objectively made me better, and I don’t plan on slowing down any time soon.

I’m beyond grateful every day.

Frankl, V. E. (2014). Man’s Search for Meaning (2014 ed.). Beacon Press.